Longing For a Change

A few saturday's ago my mom and I recently were on our way home. Lately, we have been putting live news on my phone that blasts throughout the car speakers. When the live stream began there was a brief pause and a black screen and then suddenly the high pitch melody and 'breaking news' words popped up on my screen. I glanced over at my mom who was now stopped at a red light.

"ugh...what now.." I said out loud. My mom shook her head and turned back to the road and stared at the light.

There was a reporter on my phone that said that there was a shooting in a Jewish temple and multiple victims were being reported. My heart dropped and I looked over at my mom gripping the steering wheel. I honestly don't remember what my mom said, I was glued to my phone stunned and horrified by what I was watching.

My eyes did not blink once and I started to feel a burn in both of my eyes from staring so hard at the phone. I hoped they would update the viewers they were mistaken with reports on casualties. I blinked a few times and saw the camera pan over to a handful of cops running and shouting running into a large grey building. The camera would show quick glimpses of the beautiful stained glass windows and hebrew lettering that was at the corner of the large building.

Growing up I would go to sunday school at my temple and the times spent with my grandmother I've heard horror stories of Jews being targeted throughout history... but never in my life did I think I'd live to see such a horrific tragedy unfold before my eyes in today's world.

I said to my mom, "we were just at temple last night!! this could have been us!" My mom was lost for words, she just started to tear up. Having been someone who recently got back to into temple and being there the night before the shooting ran chills up my arms. I started to get a pounding headache. My mom pulled over and I got out the car to run to the store, I honestly don't even remember what I was going to the store for. I just kept thinking innocent people... dead... because they were jewish. I held back my tears as the cashier rang me up and I left with my head down walking out the doors.

For those who don't know what I am talking about please click the link here: https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/27/us/active-shooter-pittsburgh-synagogue-shooting.html On Saturday, October 27, 2018, there was a shooting that took place in Pittsburgh at the Tree of Life Synagogue. One person entered the temple killing 11 people during a Saturday Shabbat Morning Service. Click the link to read more in depth details. I will not go into too much details on the horrific events. This blog is more on my feelings about the what happened.

During my ride home there was a brief discussion about the jewish community concerned that people wouldn't talk about this mass shooting because no kids were killed like the other mass shootings. Who ever thinks this is not important to discuss or worthy of your time to read about. Please. Stop. Reading. This. Blog.

I find that to be absolutely disgusting and shameful. Therefore, I will NOT mention the killer's name in this blog post. Every mass shooting, shooting, stabbing, rape, etc., NEEDS to be discussed. Kids or no kids, black, white, or tan.

My grandmother holding a photo up of her and my grandfather. The photo was taken during a journalistic piece I did on her and my grandfather's lives. (Credit: Me, taken in March of 2015)

Before my grandmother died in 2016, my mother, brother, sister-in-law and nephew would celebrate the jewish holidays with her at her home. For many years of her life she would cook everything for the jewish holidays. We would all sit down in her dining room playing games and eating her chocolate pudding and jello. We all knew how important it was for her to continue with her traditions. As I grew up, I spent a lot more time with my grandmother. I often would help her cook, clean, shop and get ready for the holidays. Every visit I would learn a lot about her childhood, her parents lives, and other relatives that died in holocaust. If she were alive today, I can only imagine how hurt she would be. Not only with the world today, but what occurred at this beautiful temple.

There was one victim that was mentioned that caught my attention immediately. Hours later the news broke with info on the victims names and ages. My mom choked up at the thought of this older woman, like her mom, that valued the jewish temple, traditions and religion. The victim was 97-year-old woman, Rose Mallinger. The thought of that woman, or any man or child alive during the holocaust is ABSOLUTELY heartbreaking. But this woman Rose, lived through it, lived for many years after that just to die in the temple. It brings me to uncontrollable tears. Towards the end of the night My mom and I held each other after the brief story about Rose and just weeped. Crying because of so much pain, thoughts of my grandmother, her mom, and the state of the world. So many heartbreaks, so many tears.

You go to a place to pray with others, in a holy sanctuary, not to be killed. It is supposed to be a safe haven for all who attend any temple.

credit: freecanvaphoto

I can say, things at my own temple have changed. More cops and undercover cops and 24/7 security. You would think it would be comforting but I find it to be the complete opposite. I fear every time I walk into my temple with my mother. I do. I wish I didn't, but I do. It could be because I am not white like the majority of my congregation, or maybe because I am considered, "a new member" and security doesn't recognize me. Either way I am beyond heartbroken by this event. It has taken me a while to write blog because this could of happened anywhere, at any time. I count my blessings that it did not happen at my own temple. Having gone back to my old roots of Judaism recently I can say that I am more committed to going and sticking with my temple even more. The shooter and others like that do not stop me, will not stop me. I am grateful for the wonderful new rabbi and new congregation for being so welcoming each time me and my mother attend service.

Some time next week my mother and I will be welcoming two new people who are friends of hers to join us to temple for a one night interfaith service. I am looking forward to going and being amongst other religions and nationalities.

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This blog is dedicated to the victims and their families. May they all rest in peace.